Life-Changing Trip

(Bako National Park, Kuching, Sarawak, Malaysia)

Friday the 30th of March, 2012. The date that had been set up for the Park and Wildlife Management course trip for us Zoology students and other students who take this course as an elective course. Most of us have been there before, including me, we felt that there's nothing to be anticipated about in this trip. I was wrong. There's always something unpredictable going on. We went there by boat and arrived there at 11 am. On the way to the Bako National Park (Bako NP) Headquaters, I took a chance to observe some birds along the way which I spotted some Oriental Magpie Robins, a bird which may be a bulbul sp. and an egret along the coastal area. After briefing and took the hostel keys, we went to our rooms, washed up, pray and went to the cafeteria. Our major assignments were to conduct a survey about Proboscis Monkey and about the national park. So, we had to approach the tourists, better if they are foreigners, to begin the interview. I was like,"Oh God... please let it be one or two tourists that have never been interviewed by my friends." Haiyoo.. You know what, most of them had been interviewed. I was very dispirited and very down. Then, to ease my troubled mind I went for a short walk towards the jetty when a number of foreigners were looking upwards. I was curious so I looked up too. Then, I saw a Proboscis Monkey up close. It was just too awesome. Everyone was very quiet to not scare it away. After that, it was time to return to the cafeteria for the next activity. Dr Azlan Jayasilan (our course lecturer) wanted us to walk and observe what we can see along the trail from Bako NP Headquaters to the Jetty. It was 6.20pm. It was almost dusk and most birds were along their way home. My personal assignment there was to do birding. I was very excited as to what species of birds I would see there. Along the way, we saw a curlew (a migrant bird), a White-collared Kingfisher and I saw many swallows flying above us. That night, we were to discuss what we had observed during the walk. The pros, cons and recommendations or suggestions for the national park. It was a nice discussion with a tinge of humour mostly from Dr Azlan. LOL It was nice to know I could still laugh despite of my disappointment of not getting any interview from the tourists. I said to myself, "It's alright. There's still tomorrow. Do not lose hope. Be strong and you'll be alright." 

Upon Arrival at the Jetty

Proboscis Monkey (Nasalis larvatus)

Short Walk from Bako NP HQ to the Jetty

Discussion of our Observation during the Short Walk

The next day agenda was to go trekking along the Lintang Trail to Serait Trail and to the border or boundary of Bako NP. In the morning, we went to the HQ and waited for the lecturers, Zoology staffs and Park rangers to arrive. Other animals started to arrive too. The most abundant animals at Bako NP are the Long-tailed Macaque (kera) and the Bearded Pig (babi hutan). Yeah... If you've seen goats walking around in the village like it's a normal sight, the pigs were just like that. It was normal to see them walking about the national park. They're just foraging for food so it's best to just ignore them. There was once a pig so big I'm so sure it was the leader of the pack. It did nothing, just looking for food (thank God). Then, it was time to go for the trekking. The trails' difficulty was moderate, as said by Dr Azlan and he was right. So, we walked until the border or the boundary of Bako NP. We sat there, waiting for the arrival of the other teams. We took pictures, rested, talked, wrote notes, ate some crackers and chocolates for energy and joked around. After a few minutes, all of us were at the border and Dr Azlan wanted us to experience and observe the forest outside the boundary of Bako NP. The forest was logged a bit because there were gaps in the forest and some tree logs blocked our way inside. It was rather difficult and I accidentally cut my finger. Then, we sat down at a bit of a clearing with small plants around to listen to a briefing by Dr Azlan. After that, it was time to go back. On my way back, a small family of Long-tailed Macaques blocked the trail and we could not pass through. So, I just went around them carefully. It was a good thing that they did not come close to us. If that happened, marathon time. Hahaha! I went back to the hostel for a quick wash and pray. Then, it was time to go back to HQ as the Park Warden was already waiting for us. He talked about the history of Bako NP and showed us many pictures of wildlife on the presentation slides. Then, it was our turn to do the presentation. I had prepared but it was not properly prepared since we did not bring any laptops to do a slide presentation and no big size paper to write anything. I was the presenter and I felt it was the worst presentation ever. The time to prepare for the presentation was quite short and I couldn't talk properly because of my own silly nervousness. I could see Dr Azlan was covering his head and shaking his head of disapproval and disappointment. I was extremely disappointed. I was disappointed that I was not properly prepared, I was disappointed I could not explained properly and I was disappointed to see a disappointed Dr Azlan because of my own predicament in front of the lecturers, staffs, my friends and especially the Park Warden. After everyone left the room, I went to the Park Warden and apologized for my simple presentation with my improper explanation. He said, "No, no. It was good that you shared this with us. This is a part of a learning process and you did well. We need to know what students think of the national park and how we can improve it and share the idea at the same time. We need future generations to be able to think. It was nothing. Thank you for sharing." When he said that, I felt relieved that I could not control my tears. I think he noticed this that he said something like that. But, I could not deny the breaking of my heart when I saw Dr Azlan's face during the presentation. First, I was mad at him but then it was my fault so he did the right thing. By his actions, I knew that I did many mistakes and from there, I can learn from my own mistakes. Let my weaknesses become my strengths in the future undertakings. I am very sorry Dr Azlan, please forgive me for my own lack of preparation and quality during the presentation. After that, we went out and Dr Azlan told us there will be a night walk that night. Awesome!!! XD I could not wait. I went back to the hostel to pray and prepare myself to go to the surau for Solat Maghrib Berjemaah. After praying, I went to the cafeteria to try my luck with the tourists for the interview. I got two interviewers! XD I was very happy! Most of them have been interviewed and I got two. They're from France and they came to Bako NP to see the rainforest and the wildlife. I expected myself to get 5 interviewers but as I asked them, most of them had been interviewed. Some of them did not want to be interviewed so it's better not to ask any more. After that, a quick dinner and night walk time! We went to the jetty and watched fireflies on the mangrove trees. It was an amazing sight! It looked like Christmas or Hari Raya Aidlifitri came early this year with the blinking lights on the trees (can't get a picture of it since it's too dark to see the small lights in the camera). I expected myself to see an owl or a flying one but to no avail. Then, we went to the beach to see small crustaceans on the beach at night. We found a small number of hermit crabs walking, sand dollars and sea-shells. It was very fun since we walked together, laughed, talked, took pictures in the dark and played pranks on each other. It was ecstatic. After that, it was almost 10pm and we were told to go back so we went back, had a briefing from Dr Azlan and a quick discussion among ourselves about our trekking through the trails in the morning, the talk from the Park Warden and the night walk. Then, it was over and we went back to the hostel. 

Bearded Pig (Sus barbatus)

Team 4!! (I do look a bit fatzz.. XD)

Resting at the Border of Bako NP

Briefing by Dr Azlan at the Forest outside Bako NP (Dr Azlan is somewhere behind the leaves, couldn't capture a better picture)

Presentation by Me and My friend, Panimalar

The final day, 1st of April 2012. The agenda for the day was to clean up the beach from the rubbish and marine debris. We were divided into two groups: one would be going towards the cave part and the other would be going towards the jetty. I went for the jetty. You wouldn't believe how much trash, rubbish or garbage and marine debris we've thrown away until there were not enough trash bags. We were told to go back to the hostel first to finish-up packing. On the way, I saw a Common Iora (bird) on top of the tree flying from one branch to the other. Cool... After that, we cleaned up the room and went to the HQ for more details about the unfinished job at the beach. More trash bags were given and we went back to the places where we collected the trashes that will be thrown. There were too much that help arrived with a big trolley. Then, we walked back to the HQ for the closing ceremony. There were lots of negative but character-building and improvements from the lecturers and staffs. Some of the Committee Members (AJK) talked about how there were not enough communication among students and staffs, among AJK members and students, lack of co-operation and et cetera. Although it turned out this way, I felt like I have to improve myself more and from the bottom of my heart, I thank the Committee Members, lecturers (Dr Azlan Jayasilan, En Abbas Said and Miss Ratnawati), the Zoology staffs (Abg Wahap, Abg Huzal, Abg Jai and Abg Nas), Park Rangers of Bako NP and also the Park Warden, En. Abang Abdul Mutalib Abang Tajudin and many thanks to my dear Zoology and other department friends. :) You guys are the best! I had a great time. 

On the way back to the Bako National Park Jetty at Kg. Bako, I saw a White-bellied Sea Eagle soared quite low above us, a number of swallows flying low and a number of sea otters swimming nearby among the mangrove trees. It was a nice boat trip because 'Pak Cik' (the one steered the boat) was willingly slowed down and stopped the boat so that we could see the sea otters and for me, captured the White-bellied Sea Eagle picture. Since I only used a Nikon S2600 and not a DSLR, I could not capture a clear picture. (You can see the picture in this blog entitled "Soaring High"). 

All in all, it was quite a Life-Changing Trip. It taught me so much and I was be able to learn and find the solutions to my problems. I am entirely grateful to Allah SWT for giving me the chance to see His creations and the beauty of nature and a variety of wildlife. Subhanallah... :)

Cleaning the Beach

Goodbye Bako NP

Fine by Me

It's hard enough just to endure all this and I am sick of it. If you wish to think I'm the cause of all these causes and giving me silent treatment and you said we should talk and still that doesn't happen? What the heck do you want from me? You want to discuss. Fine by me. Then, you just ignored me... What? Hey, the things that I posted and everything are not lies. They are what I observed from time to time. That is how I interpret it. It's not right? Don't blame me when I am the one who doesn't know what's going on. So, you cleverly said I know what's going on. Here's the honest part of me: I don't know. All I know is the silent treatment you're giving me which I don't know what is the cause. If you just said it in the first place in front of me face-to-face, this wouldn't happen ok! I know I did many wrong things and so do you guys. Don't deny the facts that your words almost kill me everyday. I've told you many times I do not like jokes that went too far. Do you even listen to me? Do you even understand me!?

It was nice at first but there are limits to everything and you guys have no limitations. I'm just being me ok? If you don't like how I act, just say it. I will stop it. You don't even try to stop yourselves. How many times do you wish to make me sad and suffer?

It's enough. Enough is enough. I had enough!!! Since you guys don't bother to make peace and ignoring me like I'm the air surrounds you, go ahead and do that. But if it concerns assignment, I wish we can talk like usual for the sake of work.

Fine by me...

Realizing the Reality

(Alice Madness Return PC game...)

Sometimes, it's hard to recognize our own feelings, thoughts, actions or words we speak. What we think we have to do exactly what our mind tells us to do, our body will do the exact opposite. That is why we have to learn and practice on how to control our own minds.

They say,"Our bodies are our own and so does our minds"... If so, why sometimes there are unexplainable things happened whenever we break out of control and we are losing our controls?And CRASH!!! That is what happened to mad people. Deep at the back of our conscience, we all have our mad sides. Some people are able to know it and control it, some people know it but choose it, some people cannot distinguish it and lose control of it...

That is why we have moral studies and religions. They help and guide us back. Although this is true, why do we still choose madness? Unbearable, feeling good doing things they don't want to do? You must be thinking,"Is this person mad talking about madness? Of course I'm not mad. I can think perfectly clear." .... Yes. Sometimes, those who can think so ingeniously genius and perfectly can be consumed by their own madness. They are not aware of it but it's there.

I was like that and I think still are. I thought I was consumed by my own madness. The feeling of wanting to leave the world and enter into my own non-reality world that I created in my own mind. I felt safe there. Sometimes, we unconsciously created the images of people we know in our own world. Friends, family, relatives... Suddenly, I was aware of my own imagination. When I imagined it, I wanted myself to become so powerful that there is nothing I cannot do. Every heroine has weaknesses and in that world, I was prone to illness. I kept on imagining myself getting hurt, weak and became ill because of someone's doing (the enemy, of course). Sometimes, I imagined myself died. I was very powerful, full of magical powers and I could fight in all sorts of situations but I was still weak. Very weak... And, I guess still 'am', I am still weak in that world. Friends, once I thought will always be with me, left me because they have other priorities they wanted to do. Since this is my mind, that's what I thought. I want to become more powerful, not losing to anyone because I have people I want to protect. I want to protect them but I keep on hurting them because I wasn't there for them. I keep on going to different worlds, different dimensions, warped in time and space, trying to find the answers and fighting. And I am still fighting... in that world. Against what? Even I don't know. Sometimes, I find myself face-to-face with another 'me' in that world. She is the leader, making me sick. She is shrouded in darkness and I am being consumed bit by bit by the contamination. Since 'she' is 'me', I am sick. I want to fight till the end. Breaking my own heart, breaking the hearts of people who love me... Why? Because I don't want other people to get involve in my problems. There is no need for you to get worry about people like me. That is why I draw to convey what I've been 'seeing' or imagined, to let go of the emotional stress. But...

I am being saved... By those who I thought cannot save me. From them, I found my true calling. From that, I return to the right path. It hurts at first because I was scared. Now, not any more. I will become stronger. But the pieces of world in my mind is still there. I am winning, bit by bit. And I realize, I am no longer alone. :') AllahuAkhbar!

Broken memories, broken hearts, broken thoughts and deep wounds are being mended, little by little.

>>> This is not a fictional story of mine. This is the truth. I am still handling this problem. Little by little, it is fading and leaving me to face reality with my own strength. If I did out of the ordinary again, I might be having emotional problems again and struggling. Please forgive me if what I did when I was in that state of mind, hurt you. Since I can still realize what's going on with myself, I can still handle this mind problem.

Pray, that I will get better with time. I am still healing myself for the better. ^___^

Life So Far...

Capture the scenery from Borneo Heights. :)

Huhuhu... I've been such a lazy person. It's been ages since I've posted my last post. Well, life goes on and the issues with friends are increasingly psychotic. I almost lost my mind thinking... I think of every possible reasons for their reactions towards me. I thought, maybe it was my fault mostly or something else...maybe. I've calmed down these few months. I feel like my anger subsides with time. Although I have that instinct to punish people by various methods... my favourite is grab the face and slammed the head hard on the ground (better if it's concrete). Hey, don't get me wrong. It's all in my head. I don't really do it. Although it has this satisfaction if I imagined it. Call me crazy, I don't care.

I've found my true calling and I am quite calming down, in a manner. I find myself more patience and I don't talk much lately. I will be a very talkative person if the subject of the matter is of my interest. LOL I really wonder what people think about me. I want to know what I did wrong. Just tell me to my face. I will get angry, naturally but I do think of the possibilities of your words about my own self. I will try to change my attitude towards the better. I've changed much until I feel I'm not myself anymore. It was driving me crazy once until someone said, "You are who you are. If you feel like you need to change, then change and it's still you. It's just that you've become a better person... or worse, if you choose destruction".

I just came back from Kubah NP and I had a row with my two friends...again. I still don't know why they are still angry with me. They love to order me around, give advice (yeah right...).. If I give my own opinion on the matter, they said I was wrong and et cetera. It's no use talking to them. Discussing about myself with them will only make me feel worse. I thought friends are suppose to make you feel better... The longer I'm with them, the more I feel like I'm going from bad to worse. I don't know why but that's how I feel. I don't have bad intentions about them. They are good but for some reasons, this feeling of being overshadowed, pushed around and stepped on is always there. My feelings right now... relieved. My roommate, Fatin gives me courage. Think about the Almighty... yes, I feel much better after that.

Right now, I feel like I'm behind my lab work. It's driving me nuts. I always had helped from my friend for sampling to capture specimens for their tissues to be used to extract DNA. Now, I'm not taking that chance. I have a new determination. It's time for me to show my true colours. I am fed up and tired of being in the background where my opinions are nothing but a mere decoration. Enough is enough! I am doing this my way. They are not the only friends I have. I have found true friendship inside Fatin and Ika (my former roommate), it makes me feel... yeah. There are people who believe in me. The Lab Assistants, the Master students, seniors, professors, lecturers, my mentor and my supervisors have been giving the moral support and a slight push on the back for me to move forward and I am entirely grateful to them.

Furthermore, I have my friends from AIC like Silver, divinekid, Rose, Sanji-Q, alonqexe, Ravenmin who have always been there and I feel like the joy that I have bonding friendships with these unique people is always there. Silver helped me passed a hurdle once. :) divinekid always update with Hatsune Miku and because of her, I like Hatsune Miku now. XD Sanji still loves shooting me from far away... :D Alonqexe helped me with the remedy about my sickness once. Rose has always been commenting on my blog and increase my morale and I find myself smiling. Thanks you guys... ^___^

My family keeps on supporting me too. My mother, my sisters and my brother will always be there. The most important is God. God will always be there with us. Just keep thinking of Him and He will think of you too.

No matter what happened, I will always face forward with a smile on my face and face the challenges ahead. No matter what your enemy or your friends think about you, if you know what you are doing is right, keep your chin up. Do not look down. Always think of God. He is everything. Giving up is not an option but sometimes, "give up" is the only option for you to move forward. Finding your true self takes time but it's worth the effort. Do not lose hope.

These messages are the words I always tell to myself, to keep myself from drowning into the sea of despair. :)

ANNOYED

So many things to do, so little time to get it done. I won't say I am a procrastinator, which I am as a matter of fact, but things to do are just getting out of hand and I get irritated easily. Even though my friend was asking if I did what she asked me to, I felt like HEY! What do you mean like you asked to? Who the hell do you think you are? ..... Yeah... I felt like saying that. I felt like she was thinking that I won't be able to think of this and wanted me to do as she asked, since I can't think of anything. =____________________=************

Argh! Just get away from me if you wish to save your heart from crying.

I am really irritated and annoyed right now... VERY ANNOYED!

If I do things my way, there will be many questions as to why I have to do so detail, you don't need that and such. Why? Jealous much? What's not okay of doing things in detail!!!??? That's how I am, you twit!

>:(

Struggling

I am walking towards the future but why am I still stuck in the nightmare of my pasts? I feel like I am dragging my pasts into my life. People have memories of the past but me, I am living in my pasts.

Why do I feel like this... I tend to avoid people to know about myself but I want them to know...

Do I really wish them to know? What do I want exactly? Who can help me... If this goes on, I might not be able to save myself, I will keep on living as my past self.. I don't want to... What do I want exactly!?

That's it... I've set goals for myself so that I won't stray from it. Ya Allah... I do not wish to have this feeling... This sad feeling, it's suppose to diminish in these 4 years! Why? No... Please stop me from thinking of that time.. I do not wish to... No. Please...

The feeling of being inferior to others, the feeling of being bullied, the feeling of being ignored, the feeling of being unwanted, the feeling of feelings being ignored, the feeling of being alone... I do not wish to feel these again... I keep on thinking Allah SWT is with me now. I am always happy to that...

Yet, these nightmares keep on growing. I woke up being restless and felt like I've been running in my dreams. No, I am not alone!!! No...

Don't worry. She will always be with me. She has and always been... She calms me and always say positive things to me, hug me and say,"It's okay. You're a strong girl, right Ain? You're alright. It's okay. It's alright. You're fine. It's okay. Believe in Allah SWT. Believe in Him. You're a good girl..."

My inner mind is my best friend. Always say the things I want to hear which, once upon a time, I always heard it from my late father. Memories of my father... I don't want to forget. I live in my past. Still, I move forward for the future.

Sarawak Bird Race 2011

Sarawak Bird Race 2011 held at Borneo Highlands, 30th. of October 2011.

So, what's all this about? Hehehehe... I joined the 4th Sarawak Bird Race, of course. 8 students from UNIMAS joined this race which 7 of us are Zoology students and one engineering student. The journey from Kota Samarahan to Borneo Highlands took approximately one hour (does not count the fast and furious of Tay's driving...Scary...). Since the road is at mountain range, fog shrouded our view. If I'm the one who's driving, I'll be driving like 60 km/h, not 80 or 90 km/h like Tay Guan Khoon (prat)! Anyway, the best thing was the view. Such magnificent and breathtaking view. The trees were more alienated and gigantic. Not surprised. Anyway, there we were at Borneo Highlands. We were warmly greeted by the patrons and we registered ourselves. The one thing comes in my mind, we are so not going to win this race. Look at all these foreigners. I mean it. Foreigners!! Scary... And we are just students. To win this race, we have to identify and list out as many species of birds in the area as fast as possible. We borrowed some binoculars from the Zoology department which cost about RM2700. O__o''' Anyway, we started our race at 8 am and ends at 12 noon. I was like watching, listening, identifying.... It's possible to identify specific species of birds by their vocalization. By 12, we need to get back so I was like having about 30+ species identified (not to mention the probability of misidentification is high). Then, there was a talk about edible-nest swiftlets from Dr Lim Chan Koon (ex-lecturer from UNIMAS). Then, the announcement of winners. I've already thought about the negative of it. I've never won a race and this race would be the same like always. So, I sat and listened and I was shocked. My group, the Panda Bear, which was me and my friend, Poh Leng, won as 2nd place winners. We won RM500 and free 1 year membership of Malaysian Nature Society (MNS). Tay Guan Khoon and his friend, Tay Jian Hong won first place. The third place won by our seniors, Kak Debby and Kak Mary. Both of them study aves for their research. It was nice to know all the hard work paid off. It was not easy to identify most of the birds but we won. I was so glad. After that, Dr Lim asked us to join him for a walk down the mountain. Down the 3000+ ft mountain? I was like, ok I guess. So, we followed him. It was almost 3 hours walk and my legs were very sore (still are right now). Anyway, the best thing about walking downhill, we were be able to identify more species of birds and one them was the most melodious songbird which is the White-rumped Shama, a protected bird. You kill this bird, pay fine for RM50,000. I leanrt so much from Dr Lim. It was worth it although the next day, we will have our mid-term exam on Conservation Biology. Heheheh... After reaching the car, we were so exhausted and Dr Lim treated us all dinner and ice-cream for desserts. And that was all. The best thing was the experience you've never had including the experience of walking down a very tall mountain... I will never forget about it.

Let us all appreciate the nature, rich in various flora and fauna, our unique biodiversity.... Let us protect it for our future generations. :)