Feelings of Life

I can't believe I've finished my matriculation level for the thousandth time this month. I really miss Perak Matriculation College. I can't believe I'm missing it. I remember that when I just entered the college, I was feeling disgusted and hatred. I hated for being in this college and I hated for being forced to enter this college. I asked myself, why am I to do in this college? I've promised myself not to involve with chemistry and biology and all those science subjects. It must have been fate for me to do this all over again starting with the basics that I have learned when I was in secondary level. *sigh* In the first semester, I was pretty lonely myself. I did not even care about my classmates or the homeworks and all. All I know was I have to be patient until everything is over. I did not even care about my roommates much. It was 5 months after Dad passed away. I guess my emotions at that time was unstable. That's not the worst of it. I remember my first time went into this PLKN Pasir Puteh, Kelantan. I was NOT happy. Not the least bit happy. At all. My emotions were very very unstable that I felt like I had to kill each and every one of these stupid people in this camp so that I felt relieved. Of course, that was just the feeling. Not the real thing. Although, I did feel like doing it. People did not even feel anything about me having no father to support the family and as the eldest, I have to help my family. I was in a critical state. I did not even care what the teachers in the camp were trying to do. I did not even care whether I had to wake up every morning at 5 and so on. I did not care about the people, the food, the activities, the amazing views of the sea in the morning, in the evening and such. When I remember all this, I now know that I was still shocked with my father's death. I did not know what to do at that time. I told myself to endure all this until it's over. Then, I realised if I kept on ignoring all these things I might missed something important in life. My dormmates tried to ignore me. The other trainees from other dorms were quite mad at me. My guess for these actions of these people was that they tried to befriend me but I was too sad to even try to talk to them and all. Sometimes, I felt so annoyed and irritated with all these that I became like a lion that tried to eat its prey. I felt so mad, I yelled and ignored them. I was so lonely. I was very alone. Until now, I keep on asking to myself, why do I always have to go and meet my friends to feel happy? Why don't they come to me? Why do I always have to go to them? Why won't they come to me to talk to me? Why must I make the first move? Does this mean people look at me for the first time and think that I'm weird? Why won't they make the first move to say hello to me? Why must I go to them to say hello? If I don't go to them and say hello and will you be my friend and such, will they come to me or will they not? Will I be alone for the rest of my life? Sometimes, I try to think positively. Think on the bright side. After a month at that camp, I tried to change. I made many friends in such a short time with my new, positive attitude. I felt happy when people around me felt happy too but then I realized that was not the real me. I changed my attitude so that people will like me but I felt sad at the same time because that was no the real me. I felt like I'm being someone else. Then, I thought it's ok to be like this. What was so wrong to be positive? I should throw away my 'dark aura'. And I'm glad I did. That was the story of me in that PLKN Pasir Puteh. About the Perak Matriculation College....I was having problems in choosing which course should I take until this indecision was overwhelming I started to cry. Suddenly, I had a call from my mom saying that I was accepted into Kolej Matrikulasi Perak. I was like...really? Ok.. I had no feeling of entering to this college. I had to choose. Whether I want to enter a goverment-support college or a private one? With Dad gone, I had to choose properly and maturely. I entered Perak Matriculation College with a heavy heart. When the first semester exam was just around the corner, I realized that I had to do my best in these subjects although I disliked it. So, entering the 2nd semester and 2009. I told myself that I will do my best in Chemistry, Biology, Science Mathematics and English in order to know more about the world. And that is what I did in my 2nd semester. I learned like I've never learned before. I was eager to know more about science as time passes by. You know what, I fell in love with science not long after that. Learning them was quite interesting but to grasp their concepts were a challenge. I studied them. Study, doing experiments, study, doing more experiments, study.... I always want to know how other people study. Their study methods are very different from mine. Their methods are quite ordinary among the other students in the college. I was scared. Was my study methods wrong? Then, I found the answer to my question. It doesn't matter how we study as long as we know what we've been studying. For me, I study like I really am trying to study how things work and how do you get this and that. By doing this, it is easier for me to understand and grasp the concepts firmly. Day by day, at last the final exam!! I tried to calm myself and I did. not for my roommate. She kept on reading and doing practices until late at night. For me, doing practices is good but if you keep on doing it like some kind of routine istead of trying to uinderstand it, I don't think so. I've made an experiment about that. I've been doing so many practices and I did understand but after several days, I'll forget about it just like that. So, I thought to myself, what must be done to make me remember and understand them more effectively? Hehe.... Study them carefully. Memorise. Tell yourself you can do it. I have a memory card of 100 GB, tell yourself that. I did. I did everything to boost myself. My friends did not do anything for me. If it is concerned about my own self, I need to understand myself more and do something about myself. I motivate my own self to do things. I don't have motivation books or anything. I believe in myself and God, the most. I did everything at that time. Everything... Until I pressured myself, just for a day. Then, I told myself, enough is enough. Get a grip of yourself. You'll be fine. Since, I was a child, I always want to do things on my own without help from others. I feel like if I want help form them, they might feel troublesome or something. Furthermore, if I get their help they won't do as I told them to do. Sheesh!! It's much better if I do them by myself. I had problems in believing and trusting people once but not anymore. I'll look ahead and think about the future. I believe that God has His own reasons why I have to go through these obstacles and challages of life. One of them is to know about yourself. Knowing about yourself is like knowing God's creation. How delicate and amazing His creations are. One of them is us, humans. I want to know more about His creations. One of them is through studying about science.

Studying about myself, studying about something to believe.... Knowing about others, believing in people... Universally thinking, these are just incredible. I don't know why, you might think I'm such a naive kid, thinking something like this... the wheels keep on going and never stop. Just like time. It will never stop going forward. I will try my best in life. I will live my life to the fullest. The feelings of loss and all that I have been through and felt are of ways of God to make me learn about life. Life is journey. All of us will leave this world sooner or later. Which place do you choose to live is up to the good and bad you have been doing in this world.

But that is the story of the next life...