ANNOYED

So many things to do, so little time to get it done. I won't say I am a procrastinator, which I am as a matter of fact, but things to do are just getting out of hand and I get irritated easily. Even though my friend was asking if I did what she asked me to, I felt like HEY! What do you mean like you asked to? Who the hell do you think you are? ..... Yeah... I felt like saying that. I felt like she was thinking that I won't be able to think of this and wanted me to do as she asked, since I can't think of anything. =____________________=************

Argh! Just get away from me if you wish to save your heart from crying.

I am really irritated and annoyed right now... VERY ANNOYED!

If I do things my way, there will be many questions as to why I have to do so detail, you don't need that and such. Why? Jealous much? What's not okay of doing things in detail!!!??? That's how I am, you twit!

>:(

Struggling

I am walking towards the future but why am I still stuck in the nightmare of my pasts? I feel like I am dragging my pasts into my life. People have memories of the past but me, I am living in my pasts.

Why do I feel like this... I tend to avoid people to know about myself but I want them to know...

Do I really wish them to know? What do I want exactly? Who can help me... If this goes on, I might not be able to save myself, I will keep on living as my past self.. I don't want to... What do I want exactly!?

That's it... I've set goals for myself so that I won't stray from it. Ya Allah... I do not wish to have this feeling... This sad feeling, it's suppose to diminish in these 4 years! Why? No... Please stop me from thinking of that time.. I do not wish to... No. Please...

The feeling of being inferior to others, the feeling of being bullied, the feeling of being ignored, the feeling of being unwanted, the feeling of feelings being ignored, the feeling of being alone... I do not wish to feel these again... I keep on thinking Allah SWT is with me now. I am always happy to that...

Yet, these nightmares keep on growing. I woke up being restless and felt like I've been running in my dreams. No, I am not alone!!! No...

Don't worry. She will always be with me. She has and always been... She calms me and always say positive things to me, hug me and say,"It's okay. You're a strong girl, right Ain? You're alright. It's okay. It's alright. You're fine. It's okay. Believe in Allah SWT. Believe in Him. You're a good girl..."

My inner mind is my best friend. Always say the things I want to hear which, once upon a time, I always heard it from my late father. Memories of my father... I don't want to forget. I live in my past. Still, I move forward for the future.

Sarawak Bird Race 2011

Sarawak Bird Race 2011 held at Borneo Highlands, 30th. of October 2011.

So, what's all this about? Hehehehe... I joined the 4th Sarawak Bird Race, of course. 8 students from UNIMAS joined this race which 7 of us are Zoology students and one engineering student. The journey from Kota Samarahan to Borneo Highlands took approximately one hour (does not count the fast and furious of Tay's driving...Scary...). Since the road is at mountain range, fog shrouded our view. If I'm the one who's driving, I'll be driving like 60 km/h, not 80 or 90 km/h like Tay Guan Khoon (prat)! Anyway, the best thing was the view. Such magnificent and breathtaking view. The trees were more alienated and gigantic. Not surprised. Anyway, there we were at Borneo Highlands. We were warmly greeted by the patrons and we registered ourselves. The one thing comes in my mind, we are so not going to win this race. Look at all these foreigners. I mean it. Foreigners!! Scary... And we are just students. To win this race, we have to identify and list out as many species of birds in the area as fast as possible. We borrowed some binoculars from the Zoology department which cost about RM2700. O__o''' Anyway, we started our race at 8 am and ends at 12 noon. I was like watching, listening, identifying.... It's possible to identify specific species of birds by their vocalization. By 12, we need to get back so I was like having about 30+ species identified (not to mention the probability of misidentification is high). Then, there was a talk about edible-nest swiftlets from Dr Lim Chan Koon (ex-lecturer from UNIMAS). Then, the announcement of winners. I've already thought about the negative of it. I've never won a race and this race would be the same like always. So, I sat and listened and I was shocked. My group, the Panda Bear, which was me and my friend, Poh Leng, won as 2nd place winners. We won RM500 and free 1 year membership of Malaysian Nature Society (MNS). Tay Guan Khoon and his friend, Tay Jian Hong won first place. The third place won by our seniors, Kak Debby and Kak Mary. Both of them study aves for their research. It was nice to know all the hard work paid off. It was not easy to identify most of the birds but we won. I was so glad. After that, Dr Lim asked us to join him for a walk down the mountain. Down the 3000+ ft mountain? I was like, ok I guess. So, we followed him. It was almost 3 hours walk and my legs were very sore (still are right now). Anyway, the best thing about walking downhill, we were be able to identify more species of birds and one them was the most melodious songbird which is the White-rumped Shama, a protected bird. You kill this bird, pay fine for RM50,000. I leanrt so much from Dr Lim. It was worth it although the next day, we will have our mid-term exam on Conservation Biology. Heheheh... After reaching the car, we were so exhausted and Dr Lim treated us all dinner and ice-cream for desserts. And that was all. The best thing was the experience you've never had including the experience of walking down a very tall mountain... I will never forget about it.

Let us all appreciate the nature, rich in various flora and fauna, our unique biodiversity.... Let us protect it for our future generations. :)

Sweet Feeling

I've never really experience such a sweet feeling in my life. People keep on talking about it but since, at that time, I've never had to experience such a thing. Now, I do. Such a sweet feeling... Feeling of liking someone of different gender... It's something else. Just thinking about him, seeing his name, seeing his face, his voice, the way he talks and the way he smiles... Oh God... Please, tell me this is not real. I keep on telling myself countless times not to like someone to this extend so that I can concentrate more into my study and here I am... Liking someone. Alas, such a thing must be locked. I have to concentrate on something much more important. He is something new in my life. He has his own priorities, so do I. The only thing we talk with each other is about study. Yet, I can't stop thinking about him. I'm sure he has someone else in his minds. I'm just happy to know that in my 21 years of living, I begin to like someone. To know the feeling that people keep on telling and talking about it. If he chooses someone else beside me, it's okay. I know that I am not the one for him. I belong to someone else. That chosen person for me is out there somewhere if "he" is not the one for me but I thank "him" for letting me liking him and knowing this sweet feeling.

Enough

"You think that the friends you have now are your true friends, actually they are your enemies... The enemies that you know are actually your friends" (Anonymous, 2011).

That's what somebody told me and he was right. That's what happened now. Friends for almost 3 years and the ties are cut just like that because of work. No matter how I explain my troubles to them, they still do not know me and force me to do something that I said I cannot do it due to lost of time. I've lost lots of time and time is still ticking and ticking... leaving me behind with my sorrows and I still race towards time. It's true. Time waits for no man. No matter how we look into the future with bright hopes, darkness will be there too. We cannot predict our deaths, we cannot predict our losses, we cannot predict our future... We can only plan it and take actions for it and the results are in God's hands. The results are true... I can't force myself to like what others do to me anymore. It hurts to lie to myself although I've done it countless times. I wear my poker face so that people won't know what I've hidden inside still it hurts. Yet, I'm not mad nor sad. I am just disappointed with their attitudes. If they know me, they won't do the things that I don't like but they still do it thinking I will take it as a joke. In this world, there are billions of people with different thoughts and opinions. So you think that that person will take it as a joke? If it's vice versa, the joke is on you. If you wish to save your head on top of your body and not detached from it, that is.

I always thought, isn't it nice not to have any feelings? Detach yourself from the world and only think of the Almighty God, Allah SWT, don't you think it is easier? Of course it's not easy. Nothing is easy. Unbelievable... And yet, I am to be blamed...again since they are always right. Their thoughts are always right while mine is wrong. How lame... You think that everything you say as if it's an advice is right? You think that people will keep on following what you said? Oh, and if people have something else to do and can't make it up to you, you are SO upset that you just shouted angrily at them? Is that it? And then you went on cursing and using such vulgar words to them? Tell me, is this lousy angry person who shouted at people with vulgar words, your friend? And then this lousy friend not talking to you because she said it's my entire fault and I should apologize... IS THAT IT?

How very touching... As a Muslim, we should apologize although it's not our mistake and how many times do I have to apologize to this person again? I am tired...very tired of handling such person again. Next time, just find someone else who is more suitable in doing and handling such work since I am not GOOD ENOUGH to do it ok? My heart feels bland. No more feelings towards whom I called, once upon a time, my friend. Enough is enough... I have so many things to think about and this person just did as she wanted. I am very tired to 'bertolak ansur'... Since you're so very good, just do it on your own ok? Don't bother looking for a lame person like me.

Enough...

Please understand us

I thought being already passed 20 will make me have my own thoughts and opinions matter. Alas, I feel like a tissue that's being used and here I am in the trash can. I despise people who love to pout on every single thing that does not go his or her way. Like HELLO! That's the way it is. You can't expect every single being to do your bids! And even if you wanted to, ask nicely! All I said was,"No. Not today". Why was it so troublesome? If you want us to do it, why don't you do it by yourself? Oh yeah. I have to make that person happy. Why must I? I'm not a worker in a company that has to do everything to make the boss happy. Do not blame us for the anger outbreak. You should know why we ARE very mad at you. Oh! You're clueless? What have you done with your brain? If I am the only one who's mad at you, maybe there's something wrong with me BUT if 3 persons feel the same way as I am towards you, now don't you think you're the one to blame? Don't you think you're the source for all this ruckus? Just because we're younger than you, that doesn't mean that our opinions are nothing. We are not items for your agenda!!! You gave us choices! So we chose one! Oh so it was a wrong choice! You didn't like it. If you wish us to follow you without any questions, just say don't ask! When you ask, you give choices. Capiche? I wish you would just understand us. Everything you do is for him. Not for us anymore. Please understand us... We are not yours. We are old enough to stand with our own feet. What you did was a disgrace and sparked anger in all of us. You never understand, I wish you would and I doubt you ever will. We have no support left and we have never regarded you as our support although you've supplied us with everything.

Tools in Life

I haven't been updating my blog for such a long time. I've finished my 2nd year and on to my final year. For my final year project, I've chosen "Phylogeny studies from selected species of family Sturnidae by using mtDNA cytochrome b (barcoding gene)". Sounds difficult right? Actually, if you really understand it it's not that difficult. Discipline is important in making anything successful including this project. As time goes by, I'm beginning to understand the aspects of life. You have to know your role in this life to fully understand these aspects. My family, friends, and lecturers play roles that are essential in helping me find the answers to my questions. Sometimes, there are certain questions that do not have answers. The answers lie with the Almighty. Right now, I'm undergoing industrial training at Jabatan Perkhidmatan Veterinar Negeri Kelantan located at Kubang Kerian. Since I'm a Zoology student, veterinary is not a major subject. Zoology is more towards researching the wildlife and nature. At first, I regretted being here but now, my point-of-view is changing drastically. I see a world I've never seen before. Things I've learnt theoretically must be put into practice. Knowledge is a powerful tool in engaging ourselves in debates around us.We deliver the knowledge and in return, we get the knowledge. Knowledge is limited as they say but I think that theory is unacceptable. Knowledge is a vast thing which everyday we learn new things by making hypothesis, assumptions and gaining proofs along the way. The result that we get is the knowledge to the world. There are still many things that we don't know but we want to know and those curiosity will lead us in finding the answers: Knowledge. Although knowledge is important, fun is crucial too. Like they say, "All work but no play makes Jack a dull boy". Having quality time for yourself is very important especially with your families. I guess I'll stop here for now. To be continued...