Realizing the Reality

(Alice Madness Return PC game...)

Sometimes, it's hard to recognize our own feelings, thoughts, actions or words we speak. What we think we have to do exactly what our mind tells us to do, our body will do the exact opposite. That is why we have to learn and practice on how to control our own minds.

They say,"Our bodies are our own and so does our minds"... If so, why sometimes there are unexplainable things happened whenever we break out of control and we are losing our controls?And CRASH!!! That is what happened to mad people. Deep at the back of our conscience, we all have our mad sides. Some people are able to know it and control it, some people know it but choose it, some people cannot distinguish it and lose control of it...

That is why we have moral studies and religions. They help and guide us back. Although this is true, why do we still choose madness? Unbearable, feeling good doing things they don't want to do? You must be thinking,"Is this person mad talking about madness? Of course I'm not mad. I can think perfectly clear." .... Yes. Sometimes, those who can think so ingeniously genius and perfectly can be consumed by their own madness. They are not aware of it but it's there.

I was like that and I think still are. I thought I was consumed by my own madness. The feeling of wanting to leave the world and enter into my own non-reality world that I created in my own mind. I felt safe there. Sometimes, we unconsciously created the images of people we know in our own world. Friends, family, relatives... Suddenly, I was aware of my own imagination. When I imagined it, I wanted myself to become so powerful that there is nothing I cannot do. Every heroine has weaknesses and in that world, I was prone to illness. I kept on imagining myself getting hurt, weak and became ill because of someone's doing (the enemy, of course). Sometimes, I imagined myself died. I was very powerful, full of magical powers and I could fight in all sorts of situations but I was still weak. Very weak... And, I guess still 'am', I am still weak in that world. Friends, once I thought will always be with me, left me because they have other priorities they wanted to do. Since this is my mind, that's what I thought. I want to become more powerful, not losing to anyone because I have people I want to protect. I want to protect them but I keep on hurting them because I wasn't there for them. I keep on going to different worlds, different dimensions, warped in time and space, trying to find the answers and fighting. And I am still fighting... in that world. Against what? Even I don't know. Sometimes, I find myself face-to-face with another 'me' in that world. She is the leader, making me sick. She is shrouded in darkness and I am being consumed bit by bit by the contamination. Since 'she' is 'me', I am sick. I want to fight till the end. Breaking my own heart, breaking the hearts of people who love me... Why? Because I don't want other people to get involve in my problems. There is no need for you to get worry about people like me. That is why I draw to convey what I've been 'seeing' or imagined, to let go of the emotional stress. But...

I am being saved... By those who I thought cannot save me. From them, I found my true calling. From that, I return to the right path. It hurts at first because I was scared. Now, not any more. I will become stronger. But the pieces of world in my mind is still there. I am winning, bit by bit. And I realize, I am no longer alone. :') AllahuAkhbar!

Broken memories, broken hearts, broken thoughts and deep wounds are being mended, little by little.

>>> This is not a fictional story of mine. This is the truth. I am still handling this problem. Little by little, it is fading and leaving me to face reality with my own strength. If I did out of the ordinary again, I might be having emotional problems again and struggling. Please forgive me if what I did when I was in that state of mind, hurt you. Since I can still realize what's going on with myself, I can still handle this mind problem.

Pray, that I will get better with time. I am still healing myself for the better. ^___^

Life So Far...

Capture the scenery from Borneo Heights. :)

Huhuhu... I've been such a lazy person. It's been ages since I've posted my last post. Well, life goes on and the issues with friends are increasingly psychotic. I almost lost my mind thinking... I think of every possible reasons for their reactions towards me. I thought, maybe it was my fault mostly or something else...maybe. I've calmed down these few months. I feel like my anger subsides with time. Although I have that instinct to punish people by various methods... my favourite is grab the face and slammed the head hard on the ground (better if it's concrete). Hey, don't get me wrong. It's all in my head. I don't really do it. Although it has this satisfaction if I imagined it. Call me crazy, I don't care.

I've found my true calling and I am quite calming down, in a manner. I find myself more patience and I don't talk much lately. I will be a very talkative person if the subject of the matter is of my interest. LOL I really wonder what people think about me. I want to know what I did wrong. Just tell me to my face. I will get angry, naturally but I do think of the possibilities of your words about my own self. I will try to change my attitude towards the better. I've changed much until I feel I'm not myself anymore. It was driving me crazy once until someone said, "You are who you are. If you feel like you need to change, then change and it's still you. It's just that you've become a better person... or worse, if you choose destruction".

I just came back from Kubah NP and I had a row with my two friends...again. I still don't know why they are still angry with me. They love to order me around, give advice (yeah right...).. If I give my own opinion on the matter, they said I was wrong and et cetera. It's no use talking to them. Discussing about myself with them will only make me feel worse. I thought friends are suppose to make you feel better... The longer I'm with them, the more I feel like I'm going from bad to worse. I don't know why but that's how I feel. I don't have bad intentions about them. They are good but for some reasons, this feeling of being overshadowed, pushed around and stepped on is always there. My feelings right now... relieved. My roommate, Fatin gives me courage. Think about the Almighty... yes, I feel much better after that.

Right now, I feel like I'm behind my lab work. It's driving me nuts. I always had helped from my friend for sampling to capture specimens for their tissues to be used to extract DNA. Now, I'm not taking that chance. I have a new determination. It's time for me to show my true colours. I am fed up and tired of being in the background where my opinions are nothing but a mere decoration. Enough is enough! I am doing this my way. They are not the only friends I have. I have found true friendship inside Fatin and Ika (my former roommate), it makes me feel... yeah. There are people who believe in me. The Lab Assistants, the Master students, seniors, professors, lecturers, my mentor and my supervisors have been giving the moral support and a slight push on the back for me to move forward and I am entirely grateful to them.

Furthermore, I have my friends from AIC like Silver, divinekid, Rose, Sanji-Q, alonqexe, Ravenmin who have always been there and I feel like the joy that I have bonding friendships with these unique people is always there. Silver helped me passed a hurdle once. :) divinekid always update with Hatsune Miku and because of her, I like Hatsune Miku now. XD Sanji still loves shooting me from far away... :D Alonqexe helped me with the remedy about my sickness once. Rose has always been commenting on my blog and increase my morale and I find myself smiling. Thanks you guys... ^___^

My family keeps on supporting me too. My mother, my sisters and my brother will always be there. The most important is God. God will always be there with us. Just keep thinking of Him and He will think of you too.

No matter what happened, I will always face forward with a smile on my face and face the challenges ahead. No matter what your enemy or your friends think about you, if you know what you are doing is right, keep your chin up. Do not look down. Always think of God. He is everything. Giving up is not an option but sometimes, "give up" is the only option for you to move forward. Finding your true self takes time but it's worth the effort. Do not lose hope.

These messages are the words I always tell to myself, to keep myself from drowning into the sea of despair. :)

ANNOYED

So many things to do, so little time to get it done. I won't say I am a procrastinator, which I am as a matter of fact, but things to do are just getting out of hand and I get irritated easily. Even though my friend was asking if I did what she asked me to, I felt like HEY! What do you mean like you asked to? Who the hell do you think you are? ..... Yeah... I felt like saying that. I felt like she was thinking that I won't be able to think of this and wanted me to do as she asked, since I can't think of anything. =____________________=************

Argh! Just get away from me if you wish to save your heart from crying.

I am really irritated and annoyed right now... VERY ANNOYED!

If I do things my way, there will be many questions as to why I have to do so detail, you don't need that and such. Why? Jealous much? What's not okay of doing things in detail!!!??? That's how I am, you twit!

>:(

Struggling

I am walking towards the future but why am I still stuck in the nightmare of my pasts? I feel like I am dragging my pasts into my life. People have memories of the past but me, I am living in my pasts.

Why do I feel like this... I tend to avoid people to know about myself but I want them to know...

Do I really wish them to know? What do I want exactly? Who can help me... If this goes on, I might not be able to save myself, I will keep on living as my past self.. I don't want to... What do I want exactly!?

That's it... I've set goals for myself so that I won't stray from it. Ya Allah... I do not wish to have this feeling... This sad feeling, it's suppose to diminish in these 4 years! Why? No... Please stop me from thinking of that time.. I do not wish to... No. Please...

The feeling of being inferior to others, the feeling of being bullied, the feeling of being ignored, the feeling of being unwanted, the feeling of feelings being ignored, the feeling of being alone... I do not wish to feel these again... I keep on thinking Allah SWT is with me now. I am always happy to that...

Yet, these nightmares keep on growing. I woke up being restless and felt like I've been running in my dreams. No, I am not alone!!! No...

Don't worry. She will always be with me. She has and always been... She calms me and always say positive things to me, hug me and say,"It's okay. You're a strong girl, right Ain? You're alright. It's okay. It's alright. You're fine. It's okay. Believe in Allah SWT. Believe in Him. You're a good girl..."

My inner mind is my best friend. Always say the things I want to hear which, once upon a time, I always heard it from my late father. Memories of my father... I don't want to forget. I live in my past. Still, I move forward for the future.

Sarawak Bird Race 2011

Sarawak Bird Race 2011 held at Borneo Highlands, 30th. of October 2011.

So, what's all this about? Hehehehe... I joined the 4th Sarawak Bird Race, of course. 8 students from UNIMAS joined this race which 7 of us are Zoology students and one engineering student. The journey from Kota Samarahan to Borneo Highlands took approximately one hour (does not count the fast and furious of Tay's driving...Scary...). Since the road is at mountain range, fog shrouded our view. If I'm the one who's driving, I'll be driving like 60 km/h, not 80 or 90 km/h like Tay Guan Khoon (prat)! Anyway, the best thing was the view. Such magnificent and breathtaking view. The trees were more alienated and gigantic. Not surprised. Anyway, there we were at Borneo Highlands. We were warmly greeted by the patrons and we registered ourselves. The one thing comes in my mind, we are so not going to win this race. Look at all these foreigners. I mean it. Foreigners!! Scary... And we are just students. To win this race, we have to identify and list out as many species of birds in the area as fast as possible. We borrowed some binoculars from the Zoology department which cost about RM2700. O__o''' Anyway, we started our race at 8 am and ends at 12 noon. I was like watching, listening, identifying.... It's possible to identify specific species of birds by their vocalization. By 12, we need to get back so I was like having about 30+ species identified (not to mention the probability of misidentification is high). Then, there was a talk about edible-nest swiftlets from Dr Lim Chan Koon (ex-lecturer from UNIMAS). Then, the announcement of winners. I've already thought about the negative of it. I've never won a race and this race would be the same like always. So, I sat and listened and I was shocked. My group, the Panda Bear, which was me and my friend, Poh Leng, won as 2nd place winners. We won RM500 and free 1 year membership of Malaysian Nature Society (MNS). Tay Guan Khoon and his friend, Tay Jian Hong won first place. The third place won by our seniors, Kak Debby and Kak Mary. Both of them study aves for their research. It was nice to know all the hard work paid off. It was not easy to identify most of the birds but we won. I was so glad. After that, Dr Lim asked us to join him for a walk down the mountain. Down the 3000+ ft mountain? I was like, ok I guess. So, we followed him. It was almost 3 hours walk and my legs were very sore (still are right now). Anyway, the best thing about walking downhill, we were be able to identify more species of birds and one them was the most melodious songbird which is the White-rumped Shama, a protected bird. You kill this bird, pay fine for RM50,000. I leanrt so much from Dr Lim. It was worth it although the next day, we will have our mid-term exam on Conservation Biology. Heheheh... After reaching the car, we were so exhausted and Dr Lim treated us all dinner and ice-cream for desserts. And that was all. The best thing was the experience you've never had including the experience of walking down a very tall mountain... I will never forget about it.

Let us all appreciate the nature, rich in various flora and fauna, our unique biodiversity.... Let us protect it for our future generations. :)

Sweet Feeling

I've never really experience such a sweet feeling in my life. People keep on talking about it but since, at that time, I've never had to experience such a thing. Now, I do. Such a sweet feeling... Feeling of liking someone of different gender... It's something else. Just thinking about him, seeing his name, seeing his face, his voice, the way he talks and the way he smiles... Oh God... Please, tell me this is not real. I keep on telling myself countless times not to like someone to this extend so that I can concentrate more into my study and here I am... Liking someone. Alas, such a thing must be locked. I have to concentrate on something much more important. He is something new in my life. He has his own priorities, so do I. The only thing we talk with each other is about study. Yet, I can't stop thinking about him. I'm sure he has someone else in his minds. I'm just happy to know that in my 21 years of living, I begin to like someone. To know the feeling that people keep on telling and talking about it. If he chooses someone else beside me, it's okay. I know that I am not the one for him. I belong to someone else. That chosen person for me is out there somewhere if "he" is not the one for me but I thank "him" for letting me liking him and knowing this sweet feeling.

Enough

"You think that the friends you have now are your true friends, actually they are your enemies... The enemies that you know are actually your friends" (Anonymous, 2011).

That's what somebody told me and he was right. That's what happened now. Friends for almost 3 years and the ties are cut just like that because of work. No matter how I explain my troubles to them, they still do not know me and force me to do something that I said I cannot do it due to lost of time. I've lost lots of time and time is still ticking and ticking... leaving me behind with my sorrows and I still race towards time. It's true. Time waits for no man. No matter how we look into the future with bright hopes, darkness will be there too. We cannot predict our deaths, we cannot predict our losses, we cannot predict our future... We can only plan it and take actions for it and the results are in God's hands. The results are true... I can't force myself to like what others do to me anymore. It hurts to lie to myself although I've done it countless times. I wear my poker face so that people won't know what I've hidden inside still it hurts. Yet, I'm not mad nor sad. I am just disappointed with their attitudes. If they know me, they won't do the things that I don't like but they still do it thinking I will take it as a joke. In this world, there are billions of people with different thoughts and opinions. So you think that that person will take it as a joke? If it's vice versa, the joke is on you. If you wish to save your head on top of your body and not detached from it, that is.

I always thought, isn't it nice not to have any feelings? Detach yourself from the world and only think of the Almighty God, Allah SWT, don't you think it is easier? Of course it's not easy. Nothing is easy. Unbelievable... And yet, I am to be blamed...again since they are always right. Their thoughts are always right while mine is wrong. How lame... You think that everything you say as if it's an advice is right? You think that people will keep on following what you said? Oh, and if people have something else to do and can't make it up to you, you are SO upset that you just shouted angrily at them? Is that it? And then you went on cursing and using such vulgar words to them? Tell me, is this lousy angry person who shouted at people with vulgar words, your friend? And then this lousy friend not talking to you because she said it's my entire fault and I should apologize... IS THAT IT?

How very touching... As a Muslim, we should apologize although it's not our mistake and how many times do I have to apologize to this person again? I am tired...very tired of handling such person again. Next time, just find someone else who is more suitable in doing and handling such work since I am not GOOD ENOUGH to do it ok? My heart feels bland. No more feelings towards whom I called, once upon a time, my friend. Enough is enough... I have so many things to think about and this person just did as she wanted. I am very tired to 'bertolak ansur'... Since you're so very good, just do it on your own ok? Don't bother looking for a lame person like me.

Enough...