Breakdown

Semua yang saya buat adalah kerana Allah S.W.T..

I promise myself to become stronger. For me to become stronger, I need motivation.

Since I lack motivation,

I can only rely to myself to motivate my own self,

Still...

A girl needs her father at times like this,

I tried to consult someone,

It seems like...

I cannot trust anyone in UNIMAS yet,

It takes time and effort for trust to be build

Between me and my friends,

Between me and the professors,

Between me and my mentor,

Between me and my family..

My family is my priority concern.

I will not let them down,

Although I am going to suffer

All of this

All on my own

I will not let my family down.

Ya Allah, please give me strength...

Deteriorate Emotions...

I always thought that being able to do something for myself, trying to forget painful events that passed swiftly will make me feel a much more better person.... Still, that is what I believed till now.

We are just humans. We will die one day according to our fate which is in God's hand. We do not know when we will die, how we will die, where we will die, in what situation we will die... we do not know. We cannot even predict the fuzzy future even if we try, we cannot say that our predictions are correct.

I tried, and tried, and tried to calm myself without people's console, all by myself believing that it was his time to go. I tried to do things my way without the help of people much, I tried to be independent now that he's gone. I tried and tried and I will not stop trying. I guess I forgot one thing... humans cannot live by themselves. They need company to go on. I pray to God everyday so that I have the courage to go through this life without trouble. I really pray. Emotions make humans weak and strong and I choose to be stronger than usual to help my family. I choose to have much more stronger characters in me so that people won't try to backstab me, make fun of me or ignore me.

Still, people all around me do not understand me. Do I have to be straightforward so that people know who I really am? Probably... I shun myself from society, I closed my heart so that people have to struggle to know the real me until they turn their backs on me and walk away. This is all my fault...

What should I do now that he's gone? I need someone's advice. A senior citizen mostly. Probably my professors but I am afraid. What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of crying in front of them? I have a very weak and emotional heart. I can't control my emotions well. If I keep on keeping these to myself, insanity might overwhelm me...

2010

Can't believe it... It's already 2010. I'm getting old as the time pass by. Closer to death each second ticking away, we have wasted our time far too much doing unnecassary things. New year, new semester. I'm looking forward studying microbiology, biochemistry, biostatistics, ecology, ethnics relationship and so on this semester. It's gonna be hard work and every hard work pays. People must be very excited last night watching fireworks, celebrating new year... Me? Here I am, alone in my room, reading manga and watching anime as nobody wants to spend some time with me although I did call them and invited them to go to the new year celebration. They'd rather spend some time with their own friends in their apartment. *sigh* It's quite a boredom to go to someone's apartment, talking rubbish all the time. Better keep quiet in my room, eating dinner and watch anime.

Next week is the start of new lectures and new lecturers and professors as well.