Beauty of Nature

Beauty of Nature

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Fine by Me

It's hard enough just to endure all this and I am sick of it. If you wish to think I'm the cause of all these causes and giving me silent treatment and you said we should talk and still that doesn't happen? What the heck do you want from me? You want to discuss. Fine by me. Then, you just ignored me... What? Hey, the things that I posted and everything are not lies. They are what I observed from time to time. That is how I interpret it. It's not right? Don't blame me when I am the one who doesn't know what's going on. So, you cleverly said I know what's going on. Here's the honest part of me: I don't know. All I know is the silent treatment you're giving me which I don't know what is the cause. If you just said it in the first place in front of me face-to-face, this wouldn't happen ok! I know I did many wrong things and so do you guys. Don't deny the facts that your words almost kill me everyday. I've told you many times I do not like jokes that went too far. Do you even listen to me? Do you even understand me!?

It was nice at first but there are limits to everything and you guys have no limitations. I'm just being me ok? If you don't like how I act, just say it. I will stop it. You don't even try to stop yourselves. How many times do you wish to make me sad and suffer?

It's enough. Enough is enough. I had enough!!! Since you guys don't bother to make peace and ignoring me like I'm the air surrounds you, go ahead and do that. But if it concerns assignment, I wish we can talk like usual for the sake of work.

Fine by me...

Realizing the Reality

(Alice Madness Return PC game...)

Sometimes, it's hard to recognize our own feelings, thoughts, actions or words we speak. What we think we have to do exactly what our mind tells us to do, our body will do the exact opposite. That is why we have to learn and practice on how to control our own minds.

They say,"Our bodies are our own and so does our minds"... If so, why sometimes there are unexplainable things happened whenever we break out of control and we are losing our controls?And CRASH!!! That is what happened to mad people. Deep at the back of our conscience, we all have our mad sides. Some people are able to know it and control it, some people know it but choose it, some people cannot distinguish it and lose control of it...

That is why we have moral studies and religions. They help and guide us back. Although this is true, why do we still choose madness? Unbearable, feeling good doing things they don't want to do? You must be thinking,"Is this person mad talking about madness? Of course I'm not mad. I can think perfectly clear." .... Yes. Sometimes, those who can think so ingeniously genius and perfectly can be consumed by their own madness. They are not aware of it but it's there.

I was like that and I think still are. I thought I was consumed by my own madness. The feeling of wanting to leave the world and enter into my own non-reality world that I created in my own mind. I felt safe there. Sometimes, we unconsciously created the images of people we know in our own world. Friends, family, relatives... Suddenly, I was aware of my own imagination. When I imagined it, I wanted myself to become so powerful that there is nothing I cannot do. Every heroine has weaknesses and in that world, I was prone to illness. I kept on imagining myself getting hurt, weak and became ill because of someone's doing (the enemy, of course). Sometimes, I imagined myself died. I was very powerful, full of magical powers and I could fight in all sorts of situations but I was still weak. Very weak... And, I guess still 'am', I am still weak in that world. Friends, once I thought will always be with me, left me because they have other priorities they wanted to do. Since this is my mind, that's what I thought. I want to become more powerful, not losing to anyone because I have people I want to protect. I want to protect them but I keep on hurting them because I wasn't there for them. I keep on going to different worlds, different dimensions, warped in time and space, trying to find the answers and fighting. And I am still fighting... in that world. Against what? Even I don't know. Sometimes, I find myself face-to-face with another 'me' in that world. She is the leader, making me sick. She is shrouded in darkness and I am being consumed bit by bit by the contamination. Since 'she' is 'me', I am sick. I want to fight till the end. Breaking my own heart, breaking the hearts of people who love me... Why? Because I don't want other people to get involve in my problems. There is no need for you to get worry about people like me. That is why I draw to convey what I've been 'seeing' or imagined, to let go of the emotional stress. But...

I am being saved... By those who I thought cannot save me. From them, I found my true calling. From that, I return to the right path. It hurts at first because I was scared. Now, not any more. I will become stronger. But the pieces of world in my mind is still there. I am winning, bit by bit. And I realize, I am no longer alone. :') AllahuAkhbar!

Broken memories, broken hearts, broken thoughts and deep wounds are being mended, little by little.

>>> This is not a fictional story of mine. This is the truth. I am still handling this problem. Little by little, it is fading and leaving me to face reality with my own strength. If I did out of the ordinary again, I might be having emotional problems again and struggling. Please forgive me if what I did when I was in that state of mind, hurt you. Since I can still realize what's going on with myself, I can still handle this mind problem.

Pray, that I will get better with time. I am still healing myself for the better. ^___^

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Life So Far...

Capture the scenery from Borneo Heights. :)

Huhuhu... I've been such a lazy person. It's been ages since I've posted my last post. Well, life goes on and the issues with friends are increasingly psychotic. I almost lost my mind thinking... I think of every possible reasons for their reactions towards me. I thought, maybe it was my fault mostly or something else...maybe. I've calmed down these few months. I feel like my anger subsides with time. Although I have that instinct to punish people by various methods... my favourite is grab the face and slammed the head hard on the ground (better if it's concrete). Hey, don't get me wrong. It's all in my head. I don't really do it. Although it has this satisfaction if I imagined it. Call me crazy, I don't care.

I've found my true calling and I am quite calming down, in a manner. I find myself more patience and I don't talk much lately. I will be a very talkative person if the subject of the matter is of my interest. LOL I really wonder what people think about me. I want to know what I did wrong. Just tell me to my face. I will get angry, naturally but I do think of the possibilities of your words about my own self. I will try to change my attitude towards the better. I've changed much until I feel I'm not myself anymore. It was driving me crazy once until someone said, "You are who you are. If you feel like you need to change, then change and it's still you. It's just that you've become a better person... or worse, if you choose destruction".

I just came back from Kubah NP and I had a row with my two friends...again. I still don't know why they are still angry with me. They love to order me around, give advice (yeah right...).. If I give my own opinion on the matter, they said I was wrong and et cetera. It's no use talking to them. Discussing about myself with them will only make me feel worse. I thought friends are suppose to make you feel better... The longer I'm with them, the more I feel like I'm going from bad to worse. I don't know why but that's how I feel. I don't have bad intentions about them. They are good but for some reasons, this feeling of being overshadowed, pushed around and stepped on is always there. My feelings right now... relieved. My roommate, Fatin gives me courage. Think about the Almighty... yes, I feel much better after that.

Right now, I feel like I'm behind my lab work. It's driving me nuts. I always had helped from my friend for sampling to capture specimens for their tissues to be used to extract DNA. Now, I'm not taking that chance. I have a new determination. It's time for me to show my true colours. I am fed up and tired of being in the background where my opinions are nothing but a mere decoration. Enough is enough! I am doing this my way. They are not the only friends I have. I have found true friendship inside Fatin and Ika (my former roommate), it makes me feel... yeah. There are people who believe in me. The Lab Assistants, the Master students, seniors, professors, lecturers, my mentor and my supervisors have been giving the moral support and a slight push on the back for me to move forward and I am entirely grateful to them.

Furthermore, I have my friends from AIC like Silver, divinekid, Rose, Sanji-Q, alonqexe, Ravenmin who have always been there and I feel like the joy that I have bonding friendships with these unique people is always there. Silver helped me passed a hurdle once. :) divinekid always update with Hatsune Miku and because of her, I like Hatsune Miku now. XD Sanji still loves shooting me from far away... :D Alonqexe helped me with the remedy about my sickness once. Rose has always been commenting on my blog and increase my morale and I find myself smiling. Thanks you guys... ^___^

My family keeps on supporting me too. My mother, my sisters and my brother will always be there. The most important is God. God will always be there with us. Just keep thinking of Him and He will think of you too.

No matter what happened, I will always face forward with a smile on my face and face the challenges ahead. No matter what your enemy or your friends think about you, if you know what you are doing is right, keep your chin up. Do not look down. Always think of God. He is everything. Giving up is not an option but sometimes, "give up" is the only option for you to move forward. Finding your true self takes time but it's worth the effort. Do not lose hope.

These messages are the words I always tell to myself, to keep myself from drowning into the sea of despair. :)